Facebook logoTwitter logoTumblr logoYouTube logoRSS logo
Oct 26th 2015
Content warnings: : sex
half of the palm and wrist of a brown hand with mehndi print in a bright deep orange

(This is a story about a queer femme, and an adventure that she had in the States that helped define her sexuality)

One night, we drove to ''The Dolphin', a strip club. I thought the name of the place was a sign from the goddess, and somehow I had her tacit approval of our endeavour. I mean, I had always wanted to go swimming with the dolphins, but can’t actually swim, so this would be living vicariously! We got carded, the 20 something white woman at the door remarked on how there was tape holding together my Canadian citizenship card, and proceeded to be skeptic over my age. Apparently, in order to get in, I would need to show my passport. We complained about how it’s not our fault that they don’t accept such valid id, yet the racist undertones of our dealings with her failed to deter us from our plan. The owner got involved, and guaranteed us no cover charges to get in if we came back with my passport, which was a total of 10$, for the both of us, waived.

There was a woman who was scantily clad in a blue dress, puffing away, clearly an erotic dancer. She seemed cocky, like the type of girl who knew what she was worth, and it was a total turn-on. I wanted her attention but it wouldn’t be that easy. Wanting her attention reminded me of what its like to walk in this femme skin. I feel like unless I wear a sign that says i am queer, I am not perceived as such. This limiting outlook of my sexuality certainly gets in the way of finding girl dates. I tend to be shy, and, and don’t get a lot of action unless I am aggressive and more upfront about my needs and wants. It’s a regular battle within me trying to put myself out there, and being scared as fuck about it at the same time. I want love and desire to happen naturally despite my whimsical utopian wish for queer desire to be ordinary, and commonplace.

At the bar, I feel like ‘one of the boys’ gallivanting around town. We sit at a table far from the stage, and order drinks. On stage, I notice the jewellery around the dancers waist, a silver chain that dangles above her vulva, and she fixes it, rotates it, and pulls on it seductively. I adorn the girls with bills for their sexy feats. As I make my way over to the stage, a girl in red lingerie beckons me to come closer, and points at the chair right in front of her. I obey her command, and she asks me my name. I tell her and she tells me hers. Siren. Oh how fitting!

Suddenly the song changes, and a throbbing beat comes on. This is one of my fave songs of Madonna. Siren lowers herself seductively over me, licking my earlobe, and burning a blazing trail of kisses down my neck until she found herself nuzzling my cleavage. I moaned quietly, and as a final act, she bit my shirt with her teeth, pulling it away from me. It was really sexy, and I knew the guys were jealous, and for good reason! The moment reminded me of how sexual I am, and can be, and how attracted I am to women. Ever since coming out as queer, I often stumble upon defining character moments proving my sexuality, kind of like, Eureka! I felt special for being the object of Siren’s ministrations. Another woman dancing on the stage came upto me after her turn on the floor and whispered in my year, telling me that I am gorgeous. Actually, a few of them told me that, it was sweet and made my night. One girl commented on my boobs, saying that she was glad there was another big breasted woman in the club. It was an amazing night.

The dancers reminded me about how revolutionary it is to discover the self-knowledge that our bodies are beautiful, instruments to pleasure, and our self-worth comes from recognizing that ‘every body is a good body’ and that we should love our bodies despite our imperfections and that we shouldn’t be afraid to flaunt what we have and get paid what we deserve. So many of us internalize shame about our bodies, especially women, and I loved how this was a bottoms off club. Seeing vaginas displayed so brazenly and unapologetically made me treasure them more. Honestly after this night of glitz and glam, I was inspired…i sat on a mirror and took a good look at myself down there before spending the night in my bed with a vibrator handy. I suggest everyone get to know themselves..if you know what I mean.. It’s certainly what I did after my night of diving with the dolphins. hehe.

(photo credit: Miz. Nish)